Friday, 4 November 2011

Happy Birthday To Me

Well world, today is my birthday and there goes another year.  Since I'm the only one who is going to say it...Happy Birthday to me and everyone else having a birthday today.

I stayed in bed for most of the day as it wasn't worth getting up so I'm typing this at 4PM.  I was going to write a  "feel sorry for myself" heap of crap about friends and family, but it's not really worth the effort.  Plus, I'm not into bagging specific people out or naming them for sport, and no-one would know or care who they are anyway, except for maybe a few who could see their own reflections here, so I'll just write in general terms.

All I'm going to say is this year I've decided to never again put up with family and so called friends who are self serving, only happy when they make other people miserable and like to play the victim when they have done something wrong....and know it.   There are always two sides to a story, or conflict and I'm sick to death of being the one who bears the brunt of other people's insecurities and selfish attitudes.  I have enough of my own problems without taking the blame for stupid things others do because they can't look at themselves and see they cause most of their own problems.   I'm not immune to that either by the way.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or above anyone by any means, but I will at least admit my faults and try to work through them.  It's bloody hard to do that when certain people, family and friends, cut off all communication and avoid issues so they don't have to look too hard in the mirror.

Despite coming to this conclusion, (or revelation) and deciding to look out for myself for a change and stop trying to please others all the time, I can feel my depression sinking down on me like a heavy weight.  The latter part of every year (partly due to past events) is always a hard time for me and I have to battle with myself to keep from doing anything drastic.  I've been down the route of medication which hasn't worked and just masks it all behind a zombified fog, talked to psychologists and all the other suggested solutions and except for an extreme low time around 10 years ago, I manage to keep it together enough to survive.  I exist, that's about all I can say.

And then I still feel guilty for dwelling on my problems when there are so many others with worse things to contend with every day of their lives.  I just want someone to care about me for a change and not what I can do for them and their issues.   I don't think it's too much to ask. 

Anyway, enough of that.  Christmas is going to be the same so it will be whatever I make it.  Much like today.

By the way I'm not looking for sympathy.  It's just how things are.

I also decided to put off my birthday until next week when Skyrim is released so that will be my present to myself.  I'm going to try and write an ongoing diary of my characters travels through the game for my own amusement and I'll post it on this blog for anyone who may be interested.

Have a good day fellow Scorpios.

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